Saturday, June 30, 2007

Crouching Emi, Bathing Dragon

Wendy: Hey, Emi.

Emi: Oh! Hi, Wendy.

Wendy: You know, when Thorne told me you were spending all of your time in the bathroom, this was not what I thought he meant.

Emi: (laugh)

Emi: Nah, I spotted this little bathing dragon guy and thought he was so cute, I wanted to put him on my photo blog. Which reminds me... I'd been wanting to talk to you about that.

Wendy: I've seen your photo blog and it looks GREAT. I am so glad you're enjoying the camera.

Emi: Yeah, well... um. I do really enjoy the camera. A lot more than I enjoy writing, actually. And, I know you wanted me to take over the blog for a while...

Emi: ... and I know it makes me a not very good assistant, but honestly, I don't want to write Miranda Wandering while you take a break from it. I don't think I can. I'm not the storyteller. You are.

Wendy: Hmm... so what do you propose we do. Because, frankly, I'm about ready to just burn it down and forget there ever WAS a doll blog...

Emi: What if we just did a few weeks of Thorne doing interviews? He doesn't mind, and he's actually really been wanting to.

Wendy: But if...

Emi: I'll post them, so you won't have to touch the blog at all if you don't want to. And now I can take all the interview pictures, so you won't have to do that either. And that'll free up some time for you to play harp more.

Wendy: Well, I play the harp plenty now....

Emi: Belle told me you've been ditching her for lessons and that she's been learning all of her music from Thorne. And while Thorne is a great harp player, she really wanted to learn from YOU.

Wendy: Oh. I'm a bad harp teacher...

Emi: No, you've just gotten so involved in writing ABOUT us that you're not spending as much time WITH us. And that isn't good for anyone in the Treehouse.

Wendy: You're right, Emi. I'm sorry.

Emi: No apologies. You go back to playing the harp for a while, Thorne can do his interviews, and I can get back to taking pictures and not worry about the words.

Wendy: Deal. So... how long am I on break for?

Emi: Until you feel like you want to come back. Take as long as you want. Thorne and I have it handled. Promise.

Wendy: Thanks, Emi. You're the best assistant a girl could have.

Emi: Oh please. Now quit distracting me from my photography and go play your harp!

Wendy: (laughing) Yes, ma'am!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Story of the Supermodel - Pt 8

(the next morning)

Salem: (Sobbing quietly)

Sienna: Woah. Salem! Are you okay? What happened?

Salem: (quietly) Lacrimosa left last night. Without saying goodbye or anything. And... she left this on Aunt Syri's desk. (sniffle)

I realize now that I cannot possible retain the services of a muse with so little fashion sense, decorum and grace. The creatures that you allow to live in your house really indicated to me how little understanding you must have of what I do. You live with an animal, a completely inept domestic/cook, and your semi-retarded niece, whose attempts at being a person are laughable at best, pathetic at worst. She probably should have been drowned at birth. In fact, I would still consider that course of action.

So, I began to wonder how someone living in the squalor and situation that you are could POSSIBLY understand what I do, much less and actually think you could ADVISE me. I realized, you can't. So, I will no longer be needing your services. My manager will have your final check delivered to you in the next week.


Sienna: Oh.... oh, Salem. Honey...

Salem: You said "don't be such a hermit". You said "Try letting people in". You said "Don't judge a book by it's cover." You said being an anti-social nihilist wasn't trendy

Sienna: Salem, I...

Salem: Well you know what, you're right! I don't hate people because it's trendy, I hate people because it's a GOOD IDEA! And it saves a lot of time and heartache.

Sienna: Salem, she was just one person and...

Salem: No, I'm not listening anymore. I took your advice, I tried. When everyone else said she was so awful, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. And you know what? People just SUCK, Sienna. I don't know why I even bothered to try. Maybe I really AM retarded.

(Salem stomps away)

Sienna: Oh, Salem. Oh no.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Story of the Supermodel - Pt 7

Hana: I have no idea how Salem can stand being around her. What an uppity, unpleasant piece of work she is. I don't know if she's a super model but she is definitely a super b...

Syrinx: HANA!

Hana: Facts are neither nice, nor mean, Syri. (smile)

Sienna: (laugh) Yeah, I had read in the trade magazines that she was a real headache to work with, but WOW.

Hana: Is she in all of those?

Sienna: Yeah, on the cover, even. She "wrote" a couple of the articles, though I think there are too many big words in them for that to REALLY be the case.

Hana: (laughing)

Sienna: I thought maybe I could get her to autograph them so I could sell them on Ebay for bazillions someday when she's dead. You know, so there was something good about having her here.

Hana: She'll probably charge you for her autograph. (both laughing)

Syrinx: Well, she'll be on her way home soon enough. And I for one am VERY glad that Salem stepped up and started taking care of her. Until the bandages come off, she can't do a whole lot for herself.

Sienna: Uh, Syri, newsflash. She's a supermodel, she doesn't do a whole lot for herself regardless.

Hana: (laughing) Oh man... yeah, she's some writer all right. "War is just so dirty, It's so sad. We seriously need to put together donations of earth tone fabrics for the designers here. Food? Well, I guess people can donate food too, but really, the people need to be thin because you don't want to be war torn AND out of style." Oh wow is that bad. (shaking head) So, when DO Queenie's bandages come off, anyway?

Syrinx: This afternoon. And, thankfully, Salem is taking care of it.


Salem: Okay, Lacrimosa. Are you ready for those bandages to come off?

Lacrimosa: I swear that if you cut one single solitary piece of my hair getting these wrapping off, I will sue you... not like you have anything I could sue you for. I'll just have you killed. Yes, that's it. (nodding)

Salem: Okay (smile) here we go! Then I'll go away and let you get all freshened up and everything, okay?

(snipping sounds)

Monday, June 25, 2007

Story of the Supermodel - Pt 6

The Supermodel Recovering

Lacrimosa: (thinking to self) Ugh... this is awful. When I had my eyes done last year, it wasn't like this. Those HACKS. I'll sue them all. The entire hospital. My lips had better be unbelievably beautiful for all this. And my ears... I don't know why Murray thought my ears needed work, but whatever. Maybe I'll sue him too. After I fire him, yeah I'll...

Salem: Um... excuse me, Lacrimosa? Are you awake?

Lacrimosa: What the. Oh... it's you. What on EARTH are you wearing now? Those boots are so last month. What do you WANT?

Salem: I thought you might be hungry, so I asked Hana to make you up some nice broth and some lime pudding.

Lacrimosa: Dear God, please let this broth be from a can. Please. Even that wretched little foreign housekeeper couldn't screw up broth from a can. Ewww... and lime pudding. This is just disgusting.

Salem: So, how're you feeling? Aunt Syri said the doctors said that everything went really well and...Lacrimosa: Oh God, you actually think I want your company, don't you? (deep breath) As if there is ANYTHING you could say that would remotely interest me. Well, unless you'd finally realized that the kindest thing you could do for the world is to put a paper bag over your head. I would find that interesting. Unlikely, but interesting. GO AWAY.Salem: Um... I'll let you eat in peace. I'll come back after a while to help you with the bandages and see if we need to change them or anything. Okay? Enjoy! Nummy nums! (leaving)

Lacrimosa: Ugh, I wasn't nauseated before, but now... "nummy nums"? (rolling eyes) Maybe I can sue her too for mental torture while I was incapacitated. As if she has any money. I could just have her killed. I could have them ALL killed!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Story of the Supermodel - Pt 5

The Supermodel in the Morning

Salem: Good morning, Lacrimosa!

Lacrimosa: Good morning... Salem, is it?

Salem: Yeah, you remembered! How did you sleep?

Lacrimosa: Not well, but as well as could be expected I suppose.

Salem: Hi little doggie, woggie. How did you sleep, hmmm?

Lacrimosa: She was very restless all night, poor baby. Unfamiliar environment and all.

Salem: She seems like a very sweet girl.

Lacrimosa: She seems to like you.

Salem: Weird, hu?

Lacrimosa: Hmm, why do YOU think so?

Salem: Well, you'd think a supermodel's dog would only like fashionable people, and I'm kind of not fashionable.

Lacrimosa: Indeed. Well, perhaps she wants to roll on you or something. Dogs are like that.

Salem: Yeah! I love dogs.

Salem: Oooh! Casual day for Aunt Syri! Rowr rowr!

Syrinx: (laugh) Thanks, Salem.

Lacrimosa: It is an ... interesting ensemble you've chosen there. But no one will see you with me, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

Syrinx: Are you ready to go?

Lacrimosa: Since the hospital has some stupid rule about no dogs, Salem, would you please keep an eye on Chardonnay for me while I'm gone?

Salem: Sure! Awww, come're baby doggie. Who's a widde biddle baby doggie? Awwww.

(Lacrimosa and Syrinx leave in silence)

Salem: Awww, do you want my coffee? Widde baby doggies can't have coffee. No they can't. Uh uh. Awww, you are so cute. Yes... who's a little cutie pie?

Hana: Oh My... what is that SMELL? Oh, it's that dog.

Salem: I think she smells nice.

Hana: Why would you drown your dog in perfume like that. It's like l'eau de pompous snob or something. Lacrimosa didn't take her with her?

Salem: Nope.

Hana: Handbag isn't big enough, apparently.

Salem: Awww, that's just mean.

Hana: I'll come back when my kitchen isn't reeking of pretentious snob dog.

Salem: Aww, I think she smells nice. Well, maybe it's a little strong, but you get used to it. Hana....

Chardonnay: WOOF. Grrrrr.

Salem: Awww, ignore her, Chardonnay. She's just grumpy. You are a little cutie patootie. Yes you are. Well... maybe we will take you for a walk and air you out a little bit. Do you want to go for a walk? Of course you do! What doggie woggie baby pie doesn't want to go for walkies! Lets go for walkies!!!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Story of the Supermodel - Pt 4

Dinner With the Supermodel

Syrinx: There! You should be on the Treehouse network now.

Lacrimosa: I suppose I must be, though it's so slow, it's nearly impossible to tell.

Lacrimosa: Well, I'm sure decent wireless technology will find its way to Colorado eventually, sweetheart. I wouldn't worry. I mean, I assume running water has, right?

Syrinx: (sigh)

Lacrimosa: So, I guess I'll go unpack my things and settle into your "guest room".

Syrinx: Aren't you hungry? Hana made up some dinner, just for you.

Lacrimosa: Well, I suppose. So long as you promise me that dinner is not the reason there are no fish in this tank.

Syrinx: (sigh)

Syrinx: ... and so I said, "Well, officer, she had both of her wings on when we left."

Hana and Salem: (laughter)

Lacrimosa: (yawn)

Lacrimosa: Girl. Hana is it? You make me nervous. Hard to trust the work of a cook who won't eat her own food.

Salem: She's too nervous to eat. She's afraid you won't like her tacos.

Hana: Thanks, Salem. Thanks a lot.

Salem: Just sayin (murfle) nervous (chew, chew, chew) supermodel....

Syrinx: Salem, for crying out loud. Don't talk with your mouth full. And you apolgize to Hana right this second.

Salem: Sorry, Hana.

Hana: Whatever.

Lacrimosa: Well, as lovely as it's been to watch this little slice of Colorado family life, there is just not enough wine to get me through this meal. I think I will retire now. Please, don't let my leaving disturb your charming family squabble. Good night.


Lacrimosa: ...hick, redneck, freaks. Seriously, Murray. Remind me to fire you for this when I get back.

Lacrimosa: Assuming I'm not killed by charging buffalo or some Indians or something while I'm out here in the Wild freakin West.

Lacrimosa: What kind of manager sends his number one model to a place like this, Murray? I've stayed in nicer Motel Sixes.

Lacrimosa: These surgeons had better be phenomenal to be worth all of this. PHE - NOMENAL, Murray. Do you hear me? Murray? Hello? He hung up on me!! OH! (slamming down phone)